#TrueLifeStory : What If Your Father Was Raping You?

All over the world , cultures and traditions differ . However one cultural value that seems to cut across is the abhorrence of incestuous relationships, especially between close family relatives . But this has in recent times being on the increase, with fathers engaging in sexual relationships with their daughters , uncles freely having carnal knowledge of their nieces and cousins taking delight in the forbidden fruit. Medinat Kanabe takes a look at this and the psychological implications on the victims.
She sat somewhere in the crowd of about 600 girls who had come to attend a capacity building and empowerment programme organised for teenagers in Badagry . It was a programme designed for teenage girls between ages of 13 and 19 , aimed at training them in skills that will be useful to them and also to give them an opportunity to talk to someone if there was any need . For convenience , we will call her Miss Anonymous .
After the event , which lasted about 4 hours , the young girls , following a directive by the facilitator, Ms Ocheme Elizabeth Ane , wrote out questions they ’d like to be attended to . Miss Anonymous also wrote her question on a piece of paper and submitted .
It read : “ What if your father is raping you , what will you do ?”
This question got the attention of the facilitator who mounted the podium and immediately announced that the girl who wrote the question come forward . But she didn ’t which was not surprising. Apparently , she was too ashamed to come out and admit openly that she was being molested by her father. The stigmatisation that comes with such an admission in a society like ours is enough to shut any girl up , especially in front of such a mammoth crowd .
Even after instructions to get back to the facilitator at her convenience, when everybody would have gone, she never got back . At least not yet .
But hers is a case of one girl out of so many who have become sex toys at the hands of their fathers , uncles and other male relations and even older female relations , who take advantage of their randy and clueless teenage relations . Usually, the situation is so bad in the father -daughter abuse , that the victims are not able to expose the atrocities because they ’ve been threatened and or sworn to secrecy by their fathers or mothers . Usually the mothers ’ position is influenced by the twin fear of being thrown out of her matrimonial home and the shame and stigma that comes with such revelation .
Almost on a daily basis , newspapers are replete with stories of incest , mainly involving fathers and daughters, uncles and nieces, and to a lesser extent, aunties and their nephews and cousins .
Recently , a 49 -year old Nigerian man was reported to have raped his seven year -old daughter .
The girl said her father , Sylvester Ehijele, had on numerous occasions had sex with her after promising to buy her goodies and toys and soon it became a routine for the shameless father , as his wife was never at home .
The young girl explained: “ Whenever my mum is not at home , he grabs me, forces his hand over my mouth and then inserts his penis into my private part . He promises to buy me a car, cake and biscuit but he doesn ’ t buy anything for me. He also threatens to use a knife to gouge my eyes out anytime I threaten to report to my mother .”
It was after this revelation that his wife ( Mrs Ehijele) hinted that he had in the past raped their 23 -year -old daughter , when she was much younger and their one -year -old granddaughter that lives with them.
Mrs Ehijele, who is a caterer explained that she is not always at home because of the nature of her job, so her husband who is supposed to keep the house peaceful and protect their female children from notorious boys in the area instead uses them to satisfy his urge for sex .
Mrs Ehijele explained that in 2006 , while she was away for five days in Abuja for a job, her first daughter who was about 17 -years -old at the time called her by 1 am crying that her father raped her that night .
“ When I returned , I confronted him but he beat me up and thereafter continued to molest our daughter . Each time I confronted him over his misdemeanour , I got more beating . Eventually I had no choice but to leave him . When I got fed up with seeing him molesting our daughter and later sleeping with me, I took my six children and relocated . ”
But in 2011 , she said his family came to her and pleaded for them to reconcile . She did forgive her husband after he swore never to touch any of his daughters again .
But again , this was short - lived , as he went back to his old ways just barely a year after they moved back with him.
Again , she got the beaten of her life when she confronted him but as a typical African traditional woman , she continued to cope until he finally raped their 15 - month -old granddaughter .
She said , “ Because my oldest daughter works , we decided to put her daughter at a day care in Ejigbo . I have always been the only one that brings her back at 6 pm everyday from the day care . But on that particular day, my husband went to the day care and after an altercation with the teacher , he took the baby home .
“ He took the baby home and hours later the baby began to cry profusely . When I got home , the baby was still crying and I wondered what was wrong. When I finally took off her diapers so I could bathe her , I noticed she was bleeding in her private part . When I raised the alarm , my husband was unnerved . That was when I suspected him . I rushed down to the Ejigbo Police Station and reported the matter .”
Mrs Ehijele said she had been married to Mr Ehijele for over 23 years and in all those years , he had had carnal knowledge of all their daughters.
“ I have two daughters , four sons and a granddaughter . Sadly , my husband has raped all the females,” she lamented .
However , when confronted, the man denied raping the children, saying his wife made them lie . He also said the medical reports provided were false.
He said, “ If I was the one that raped them, let me die . My wife and I were separated for four years and it was because of that that her family said I hadn ’t paid her bride price . After we reconciled , she told my daughters to tell lies against me in order to disgrace me.
“ Even my oldest daughter confessed to my family that I never raped her and that it was my wife that told her to lie . ”
Just last week , news broke of a young woman , Funmilayo Adeyanju, who repeatedly stabbed her three years old son , Emmanuel to death in Ogunso area of Otta , Ogun State . Eye witnesses said her action was borne out of depression, which may not be unconnected with the fact that the baby was a product of an incestuous copulation between her and her father .
Rafiu Idowu , a bicycle repairer who lived at Ile Ogbo , Osun State was recently arrested for killing his cousin, Tawa Bilawu , after raping her .
The 26 -year -old invited the 10 -year -old victim to his residence and dragged the girl to his room , where he forcefully had sex with her and strangled her in the process .
Interestingly , Idowu actually accused the deceased of raping him in a confessional statement he made to the police .
According to him , the ten -year - old came to visit him but suddenly grabbed him and dragged him into the room from the passage and put his manhood into her private part .
He said Tawa , in an attempt to implicate him , started screaming after some minutes of sexual intercourse and he strangled her .
Hear him: “ Tawa (Bilawu ) met me at the passage of my house when she came . Then I asked her where she was going and she said that somebody sent her on an errand; then she dragged me inside my room where she removed my trouser while both of us were on bed, then Tawa Bilawu put my penis into her private part and started shouting .
“ I asked her why she raised the alarm after barely two minutes of sexual intercourse , but she kept on shouting . I got hold of her neck and nose and pressed it until she died .”
Another 45 - year -old man , Toyin Sodimu was recently arrested for raping his 16 -year -old daughter in Temidire community of Oke Apo , Akomoje , Abeokuta.
Unlike many other girls , the lady went to report at the police station after her father had forcefully had carnal knowledge of her .
Not too long ago, Nigerians were stunned by the story of a university undergraduate who told the story of how she was severally abused by her uncle , with whom she lived , having been a product of a broken marriage .
In a story told to a popular lifestyle magazine, the lady narrated how her uncle made her suck his penis for three whole years and made her swallow the sperm on each occasion . In addition he threatened her fiercely and brutally slapped her on several occasion to instil fear in her and make sure she never summoned the courage to share her horrible experience with anybody .
As a result , she said she became a recluse and was always sleeping in class, but never could share her experience with anybody . Meanwhile , this was one uncle that was always so nice , cheerful and generous in the open.
WHARP to the rescue
For young girls who have experienced this molestations recently, the road may not have come to an end and their tormentors may not have gone scot -free, as the Women ’s Right and Health Project , WHARP , a non government organisation that is focused on the promotion of reproductive health , right and general development for women , young girls and communities , recently launched a project to address this issue .
Executive Director of the organisation , Mrs Bose Ironsi , who spoke to The Nation said the project is called advocacy and capacity building for proper reporting and documentation of gender -based violence by the police .
Although they have started with Ejigbo and Ikotun- Igando Local Community Development Areas , LCDAs , she said they have plans to spread to other parts of the country .
Their main objective is to encourage the police to document violence against women and vulnerable children and to let these women and vulnerable children know that their cases are being attended to , in order to encourage them report any such cases in the future .
She said “ a man sleeping with his daughter is child abuse and it must be reported to the police . And the police have to persecute. It is a crime against that child and the proper thing has to be done. Business is no longer like before. You can no longer tell them that they should go home and settle it as a family matter. You must bring everybody to book . ”
She told school teachers too to be very watchful , saying that is why they are also training 60 teachers from 30 schools to be a part of the project .
“ If you have a child who used to do very well in her activities and suddenly the child changes and isn ’ t doing well any more, the teacher should be able to sense that something is happening .
“ If a child who is experiencing rape from her father comes to us , we can also protect her . People are not coming out to speak . We want people to be able to come out and speak . That girl child should come out and talk to us. We will meet the mother and then confront the father and take the girl away from the house , because she should not be allowed to live in that house any longer.”
A psychologist’s angle
Adegboyega Bamisele , a clinical psychologist, who spoke to The Nation on the psychological effects of incest , especially forceful sexual intercourse on a child , said it is usually very traumatic.
“ When it is forced, you may begin to see some low self -esteem . For certain people, it could be so traumatic that she may begin to have flashbacks of events or scenes of the rape and ultimately , depression can also come up .”
According to him, it could lead to severe sadness and post -traumatic stress disorder , especially if it came with some banging and injury that they keep remembering . Eventually , they may have psychosis and other unusual behaviours .
He explained that it is something that calls for psychological management .
“ When they are brought to the clinic , we usually have a broad view of assessment to look at a lot of areas that you will work on during management . To help them, one must first debrief them , then work on their perception of the world around them. We will look at the aspect of sadness and depression. The aspect of self -concept , self -esteem and self -worth are very important for individual of such experiences too.
“ Some even because of that have a serious problem getting married ; they hate men generally , so you must work on them to be able to see the world in another light. This will make them have proper adjustment .”
Saying many of these girls don ’ t report because of cultural issues and because they are threatened , he said the most common reason is the fear of stigmatisation ; “ Sometimes when they report to their parents , they harbour it because of the stigma that comes with it .”
Bamisele said he has had a couple of patients in the past and in most cases some of them are presented in psychiatric hospital with full blown psychiatric illnesses .
“ Some begin to have poor inter - personal relationship , poor - inter -peer relationship , academic backwardness or under -achievement, and some even have clear cut psychiatric conditions . All these happened before they broke down before anybody knew what they were going through. ”
Amongst school age children, he said one may begin to suspect that something is wrong, when they prefer isolation , as children are usually withdrawn when they are not happy .
He advised teachers to probe further because nobody will come and report to them . “ When you see such usual behaviours like isolation , ask questions . Schools should also have psychologists who can easily identify these children . Such mystery can be unravelled through clinical interviews . ”
The stand of the Law
According to Barrister Onyekachi Ubani, a former chairman of the Nigerian Bar Association , Ikeja branch , incest is a sin and a crime because one is not supposed to sleep with his daughter and a mother is not supposed to sleep with her son , as it is against the law of consanguinity.
“ You cannot sleep with your blood relation . It has now being extended to adopted children. As an adopter , you cannot sleep with your adopted child , even though you are not their biological father or mother . Incest is a very grievous crime .”
He agreed with Mr Bamisele that many of the girls don ’ t speak out because of stigmatisation but added that it is a very serious crime .
“ A lot of daughters are being raped by their fathers ; it is a very serious crime and a lot of people are keeping quiet about it because of stigmatisation . It is raping and incest so it is two crimes .
Asked why people get involved in such acts , he said it is a psychological problem . He noted that it is very abnormal for a man to sleep with his daughter or for a woman to sleep with her son , adding that it is a pure mental issue .
He also tends to agree with Mrs Ironsi above , when he said such cases are not well handled by the police , and called the government to take it more seriously .
“ When you report such matters to the police , they don ’t take it seriously . They send them back home on the grounds that it is a family matter. They encourage covering up of such crimes . And as long as the system does not frown at such crimes , the people involved will continue with impunity and continue getting away with it . And of course , you know in rape you have to prove many things like the issue of corroboration ; there must be evidence of penetration ; so if you fail to prove such ingredients in law , you find it difficult to convict such persons. Besides, nobody wants to come and give such sordid details in court . A lot of things happen in this country and the system does not in any way rise to the defence the defenceless ,” he concluded .